My creativity
Oh this creativity in me, tis coming out ever so amazingly.
I am a creative person, tis my soul expressing itself.
The joy in my painting is a reflexion of my soul.
Yes, that is me, the joyful person that I am.
It brings me joy to paint in colours and I share this joy through my art with others.
Oh this creativity, such joy and colours. 

I am enough
The pressure was too much for that little girl. She tried and tried but if was never enough.
Her mother had no patience and crying was often not an option. Oh how sad. How sad, how sad.
She couldn't understand her mother's ups and downs. So confusing and so distressing.
She loves her Mummy but cannot understand.
Why is she hurting me, I love her so much?
She wants to play and have some fun, but why is her Mummy screaming so loud. Such dispair in this little child. Such confusion in her mind.
Why can't I be me, she asks herself?
So many questions and not many answers.
Oh if only she could be told " you are enough my wonderful child " but such music was rarely hers. Praises were rare and critics where often.
Oh the pressure, too much for a child.
She wished more smiles and sweet tonned voices, but oh so often they did not come. 

Ode to my younger Self
Oh sweet Vanessa you are such a sunshine.
Your smile lights up the world.
So brave you are and such courage you have.
I am so proud of you.
I love your cheekiness which is so innocent and wonderful.
Oh sweet Vanessa you are everything to me.
You are so talented and creative, a blessing to this world.
Continue to be you, my wonderful Vanessa, you matter and are so precious to me.
You are such a beautiful being of light, and the world is blessed to have you!

Who am I
A helping hand when the waiter struggles to open the door. That spontaneous action oh so kind, so kind.
But then the manipulators come and flood my mind trying to pollute me with so many lies.
I share an innocent smile with a passer by, male or female or an innocent child.
And there they go again those polluters of my mind trying to manipulate my every intention.
So much pollution, so many lies.
I know who I am and continue to be me.
That kind-hearted soul that I am.
Tis also important to prioritize my wellbeing, for who will take care of me?
And oh those manipulators trying to control me in my head, telling me lie after lie.
Tis not selfish to put oneself first, tis a sign of self-love!
I am who I am, and I am proud to be me. A trauma survivor and a beautiful being of light. Yes that is me my beautiful Self. Oh I know who I really am!

Ode to Nature
Oh beautiful nature, you do me such good!
I love all your different colours.
The wind gently holds me caressing my hands.
I hear the birds and crickets singing, oh so sweet their voices are.
Oh beautiful nature, you do me such good.
The mountains surrounding me, ever so tall and strong.
They remind me of my strength and I thank them for their beauty. Oh beautiful nature, you do me so much good.
When I wake up in the mornings and hear the birds singing I remember how wonderful life really is.
And oh the pollution in my mind trying to control me. But I am stronger, just like those beautiful mountains.
Oh beautiful nature I thank you for all that you bring to me.

Facial Expressions
Oh those Facial expressions. What are they saying?

Is it anger, is if fear, is it sadness or love?
That little girl is confused, oh so so confused.
Is it her fault? What did she do wrong?
What is really going on?

Why don't I feel safe she asks herself, what is going on?
Oh those facial expressions, they are ever so scary.

Please cheer up Mummy. I need your love. I really need some affection and some security too.

Oh scary faces please do go away for I cannot bare you, I really cannot.
Please someone tell me tis not my fault! I need some more smiles, more smiles, more safety.

Oh scary faces please do go away.

My new world
My new world is filled with happiness, love, joy and success. 
And colours abundant like pink and yellow.
Oh my new world is mine forever.
Yes it truely does belong to me.
Joy and happiness follow me everywhere, and they are truly a part of me.
I love my new world! I am so grateful to have it!
Oh my new world is so beautifully beautiful! Oh yes oh yes! I am truely happy!

A splash of joy
Oh happiness, joy, success and love
Tis mine now and forever more

My ID
I am love, I am joy! Yes tis me!
And I am happy to be, yes me.
But what happened to me? Who's that in my head?
You don't belong to me?
Out! Go! You are not me!
I am me! Yes, I am me and proud to be me!
Out you voices for I believe in Me!
I am the decision maker,  so do stop polluting me.
You try harassing me day in day out, but I say out for I am me.
My strength, my courage I shall not give up, for I am me and continue to be.

A letter to my mother
You hurt me so much Mummy! Yes, it really hurts.
Tis so unjust the way you treated me differently to my brother. Tis so unjust.
I am your child just like he.
So why me?
I feel rejected and that really hurts.
I did no wrong, I just wanted to be me.
But you wouldn't have it. You tried to mould me into something I am not.
I love you so much Mummy, so why me?
I feel betrayed.
I gave you my love and instead you would often punish me.
Tis not a way to treat a child.
You would blame me for things that did not belong to me.
I grew to hate you despite my love. Tis normal for a child but you would not have it.
Oh and that shame you put on me, an innocent child. Tis you who should feel ashamed! Tis you who treated me badly.
You really hurt me Mummy. Oh you really did. And when I tried to tell you, you simply would not have it.
I understand you had your own issues but tis not a reason to mistreat your child.

Harsh voices
Oh those harsh voices tis hurting my ears, tis hurting my soul.
They don't do me any good!
I feel the trembling deep inside of me.
Oh those harsh voices they shake me to the core.
I hear them here, I here them there. They're in my head and everywhere.
Tis not my fault, tis nothing to do with me, but oh they hurt me right to the core.
Oh those harsh voices, tis not good for me.
On a street corner or on the TV, I cannot bear them, they are not for me.
I need the softness, just like a feather, caressing my entire being.
Oh yes, oh yes I need the softness, tis for my own wellbeing.

Gentle words to Myself
I love you!
I love you like a feather in the wind gently caressing your hair.
I love you ever so sweetly and for all that you are.
I love you and hold you no matter what.
You matter to me. You are precious. 
Oh so sweetly I love you whenever you cry.
I love you and praise you! I love you so gently, oh I really do.
I whisper sweet words to you, I really do love you.

A little story
He screamed at her because the box she created was not to his liking. My box is beautiful she thought!
She gave her a C- for her art project. The chair I drew is beautiful she thought!
You need to practice your handwriting she was told. But my handwriting is just fine she thought!
You stole from tuck shop she was accused. I never did such a thing she knew!
Eat your meal with books under your arms. But that's not comfortable she thought!
You're not going to cry again. But I feel like crying she thought!
Don't be so stupid. But what's so stupid about me she thought!
What's this regimental world I've landed in? Who are all these people?
Help! Why can't I just be me? Leave me all in peace she thought!
Tis not easy to be a child. Tis not easy to be me she thought.
When I grow up I'm going to be me she thought, just me and that's enough! 

Powerlessness
Oh sweet Vanessa tis not through your own fault what happened to you!
A child is helpless and innocent.
Tis a terrible feeling to feel out of control but please understand tis not through your own fault.
The victim is never at fault! There was nothing you could have done to prevent it.
The magic thinking, the OCD tis not through your own fault!
And you tried . Oh you tried to stand up to her but she simply would not have it.
The food disorders twas a natural means to control the unbearable emotions. OCD is not your fault.
And oh the manipulators there they come again. But I say no! I am in charge now!
I'm not blaming my mother! I'm stating my truth for she was responsible.
Tis never the victim who is at fault.
But oh those manipulators in my head trying to distort the reality.
Oh sweet Vanessa none of it was ever your fault. 

Wild
Oh that wild side in me wants to get out!
Oh yes it really does!
Unshakled I am from all the past.
I am separate from my mother's opinions. Oh yes I am, I am, I am unshakled from all the past.
Yay oh yay I am really wild.
Tis not my whole being but is part of me.
Yay oh yay oh yay!

Bravo

I am proud of myself!
I am proud of my progress.
Yes I really am!
I can discuss things with others with self-love and self-care.
Knowing that I am human and that I make mistakes.
I am also able to set healthy boundaries.
Tis a huge step forwards my dear Vanessa! 
Oh yes it is, it is. And knowing that I am not solely responsible in a situation tis a big relief to me.
As a child a mistake was oh so frowned upon. I was told that I was stupid or yelled upon 'Can't you ever do anything right'.
But today I see that it's human to make mistakes and it's never ever done intentionally.
Some of my behaviours in the past were never through my own fault whether I was in the right or in the wrong. 
I am so proud of myself! Oh yes I am.
I celebrate my progress every moment of every day! Yay, oh yay, oh yay!

Yearning
Oh my soul aches to be held.
I need connection to myself and others.
Tis nothing to be ashamed of. Tis human nature.
Oh my soul yearns to be touched.
I have so much love to give and give I do.
But fear strikes back trying to protect me.
So tender and raw is that pain inside me.
Oh my soul yearns to be loved.
And such confusion going on inside me. Oh my soul aches to be held.

Struggle
Oh struggle oh struggle you knocked on my door. And that's OK.
Oh struggle oh struggle you brought a dark cloud. And that's OK.
A cloud which has now gone away.
A moment of Self-doubt and it will come back for tis part of the way.
Two steps forwards and one step backwards.
But next time the cloud will be lighter.
Tis the journey which counts, not the end destination.
Oh yes it's ok , it's really ok to struggle.

Ode to my therapists
I thank thee both for being on my journey.
You are both so precious to me.
I need you both,  tis nothing to be ashamed of. I need your help and positive energy.
I am strong and ever so proud of my progress.
But I still need your company and I need to connect with both of thee.
You are helping me and I thank you both.
I am blessed to have you on my journey.
And doubt comes rolling back into my life but I know that I can trust you both. I know that you want my own good.
Thank you! Thank you!  I thank thee!
I am so blessed to have thee both on my journey!

Guilt and Magic thinking 
Oh my dear OCD I know you are trying to protect others and I appreciate your concern!
But a thought is a thought, tis nothing more. It has no effect on anybody.

What was imposed on me does not belong to me.Tis not my responsibility.
Oh my dear OCD tis no harm to return it ever so lovingly. 

I hand the guilt back with all my love as it no longer belongs to me. And may that guilt be absolved as it really does not belong to anybody. 

Love and hate often danse together     

Oh I love her so much, so much, so much. It really hurts.
And a part of me hates her so much, so much.
She hurt me so deeply and tis not easy, for I love and hate her at the same time.
Oh I whish she was still here for I miss her very much, but I'm also relieved for she can no longer hurt me.
Oh love and hate are dancing together.
Tis not easy.
I love her so much and also hate her. Tis really not that easy.

Anxiety came to visit me
Today I felt shaken right to the core, anxiety gripping me everywhere.
Tis not very pleasant but tis part of the journey. Oh such a big dispair.
But tis a sign of healing taking place in me. And that makes me truely happy!
And so I went boxing and out came the anger, oh so very good does it feel.
I do love my sessions,  they do me such good, oh such a nice feeling it brings me. 

Faith - a little prayer
I will feel better, that is the truth.
Oh yes, oh yes I do have faith.
I will feel better and that is the truth!
Faith oh faith oh faith!
It's tough this journey but I do have faith, so big that I can only feel better.
I know I will feel better and that is the truth. Oh yes oh yes oh yes. Amen.

The flow of Life
Oh the flow of Life is just right for me.
But tis so difficult with uncertainty.
I do have faith, I really do.
But tis so difficult with uncertainty.
That feeling of abandonment,  that fear creaping up upon me.
I feel so lonely. I crave for love.
Oh the flow of life tis right for me.
Yes I love you Vanessa, you are safe with me.

The Bamboozled Committee
Oh hello Bamboozled Committee. You've shown up again.
I know you're there and I thank you for showing up! But please remember that I'm in charge now.
So hush hush I say.
I do appreciate some of you wanting to keep me safe and you're doing a fantastic job. And others trying to sabotage my every move.
But please understand, Bamboozlers, that your opinions will never be taken into consideration. Never!
So hush hush I say.
By all means continue Bamboozling but keep the volume down, for I am in charge now! Yes I can be cheeky, yes I can be naughty, yes I can be sweet, yes I can feel angry, yes I can feel sad and yes I can be that wonderful and joyful person that I am! Yessss I can! 

OH BLESS THAT LITTLE GIRL
Oh bless you my sweet little girl. I am your adult Self and I have come to save you.
You are so sweet and beautiful and ever so intelligent and I really, really love you.There is nothing wrong with you!
You are not fear, shame nor rage, tis trauma! You are Love and deserve your own love.
And I love you so much and am proud of you, oh very very much.
You are safe now and have nothing to fear for I am here, your older Self. 

Ode to Anger during my boxing lesson 
Oh I am proud of myself!
So proud of myself.
I allowed myself to feel, really feel that Holy anger inside of me.
I let if out, I did not fear.
I let if out, out out out!
I felt if release from my body, from me, inside out.
Oh I am so proud of myself!
Yes I can do it, I can let it out, that Holy energy!
It's flowing right out of me.
And that makes me happy for I am becoming free!
Oh I am so proud of myself!
And I celebrate Me for I am becoming free!

Yes!
Yes! I am creating a promising future filled with trust, joy, happiness and love.
Yes! I am creating magnificent art, filled with joy and colours and a successful turnout.
Yes! I am healing a bit more, day in day out!
Oh yes oh yes oh yes! My life is magnificent and so am I. And I keep on shining my light.
Tis not always easy but I am stronger than trauma.
Oh yes oh yes oh yesssss!

The Storm
I went for joyful walk today, the sun was shining and the wind was blowing.
How wonderful it all felt.
The storm was approaching, so dark and menacing, but I continued to walk ahead.
Tis like the storm going on inside me, it tries and tries and tries.
But the sun keeps shining and the wind keeps blowing and I keep on walking ahead.
Oh yes I am healing! Oh yes I am!
Oh yes I really am!

There is nothing wrong with me
I started a painting, a project for a client.
And oh how magnificent it went.
"I really like it" I said to myself and went and added some more colour.
And oh, oh no tis not to my liking, so I painted it over in black.
And oh those bamboozlers going on in my head, criticising my every step.
But if I don't try I will never move forwards.
"There is away a solution through creativity" I said.
And oh how beautiful my new creation is. I am so proud, ever so proud!
And I just read on Instagram that we all do these things.
Oh there really is nothing wrong with me! It's just in my head.

Joy

I woke up this morning to the singing of the birds.
Tweet tweetie twee.
I then made myself a delicious breakfast with lots of blueberry. 
Oh what a wonderful day it is, the sun is shining and the bees are humming.
Oh what a beautiful day it is!
Tweet tweet, tweetie tweet.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Ode to my parents and Myself
None of it is your fault Vanessa.
None of it!
And my parents just did their best. I know they would have liked to do it differently, I know they didn't do it purposely.
And none of it is your fault Vanessa. None of it.
And yes it's so painful and it really hurts.
But I have decided to let go of anger knowing that none of it is my fault.
Trauma is so debilitating but my inner strength is helping.
I know I am healing, I am stronger than trauma.
And oh that pain and sadness, tis releasing from my body.
And I celebrate my progress, I am so proud of Myself!

Ode to my body
It's in the body and not the mind.
Yes! Trauma is in the body.
I have the strength despite the mind.
Oh yes I do, I really do.
The mind can't work it out but it thinks it's right.
And I say no!
I can feel sadness, even though it's painful. Oh yes I can. I really can.
It's in my heart, it's in my feet, it's in my body, in every cell.
I can't change others but I release the pain. The unspoken feelings deep in my core.
Oh thank you my body for healing me! I am so grateful. I really am!
And well done Vanessa for your strength and courage. I praise, I praise your tenacity! 

Fear
Oh fear fear fear
It keeps trying to take over.
But I say no, for I am here.
Trauma is tough, but I am here
Oh yes oh yes oh yes.
I exist! I rmatter! And I am stronger than fear.
I say yes to Love, I say yes to Me!
Tis not easy to let go but I am stronger than trauma.
Oh yes! Oh yeah yeah yeah!
And I sing along to this very song
And I continue to face my fears.
And there are days which are tougher but I keep on going for I know deep inside of me that one day the storm will be over. Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah!

I believe in myself
I was created a spark of Love. Buf then trauma came along. And that trauma became a tsunami of hurt.But I was still there, that spark of Love, ever so strong and vibrant.
Sometimes the tsunamis were so painful, that my body and brain had to protect me.
Today I am undoing the layers of pain so that I can continue to sparkle without the hurt.
Oh it's not easy but I am strong and I continue to shine my light.
And to all of you reading this poem please never ever give up!

Thank you Autumn
I went for a walk across the meadow. The grass so green, the leaves so yellow.
Some are red, some are brown, some are dancing in the wind and some have dropped onto the ground, reflecting purples, browns and black.
These are ready! Ready for composting, just like those parts in me which are ready to be transformed.
Oh Autumn, you are so beautiful and nourishing. My soul loves colour, it loves to dance together with the leaves. Oh thank you autumn I really love you! Oh I really do.

My inner strength

You are stronger than you think you Vanessa.
You are strong like the highest mountain peak.
And that strength you seek, tis there inside of you.
Don't fear my dear, it is safe to be you.
You are allowed to speak, it is safe to be, my dear Vanessa.
It is safe to shine your light.
For you are you and you can be proud of yourself!
You are stronger than you think Vanessa.
Your voice ever so sweet and fun, but sometimes you need to fight
in order to protect yourself by raising your voice in order to be heard!
Oh sweet Vanessa, you are stronger than ever.
You can trust yourself. And sometimes you will make mistakes
But always remember you are allowed to say no! Tis your right.
Nobody can take that away from you.